I guess I wanted you more...

There are times when I can spend months and months without thinking about someone and in one instant all the memories just rush back to me...and i'm left heartbroken...or the umpteenth time.

Tonight, I was browsing on youtube like I normally do and stumbled upon a song by Lady Antebellum. The song is called "Wanted You More" and this song just explains all my feelings towards a certain person. A person that today is worth nothing to me but has meant the world to me at a certain point in my life.

Nothing hurts worst than trying to change a situation that you have no control over. When you try so hard to overlook the issues in a relationship and try to always make excuses for the issues going on. It's something that I have had to deal with a lot. I've been in two real relationships in my life and both of them have had some major issues. I've made excuses for the problems and for the things that I know should not have happened. Looking back I've tried to change myself and my thoughts to make it seem like I was living this fairy tale relationship. I've tried to keep up this facade that is not me. With both relationships I've had to deal with the idea that I wanted the relationship more than I wanted the person.

I'm sure that is probably the worst thing to say about them because I have cared deeply for them but I find that I was seeking more the company than the actual person. Why is it that I want so deeply to feel wanted? Why should I need someone to love me to feel complete? I want to be loved so badly.

I haven't cried in a long time and tonight I just look back on my relationships and I wanted them more. I wanted them to want me. I wanted them to love me. I wanted to be their all. I wanted to be the last person they thought about before they close their eyes at night and the first person they had in mind when they woke up.

All these tears are just coming out of me and I'm not sure what to do. Because I want that now too. I want to be wanted so badly. Just to know that someone out there is capable of seeing beyond my imperfections. The many imperfections.

Inside and out.

Currently listening to:

"Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum

Just a little late...

Sitting here, looking back at all of my entries and realizing how much nothing has changed. I still feel lost. I still feel insecure. A boy I like told me the other day that i'm less beautiful because of insecure. Crazy how right he really is.

I feel like though I've been through a lot, I can't step out of that place and save myself. Save myself from hurt, damage, and ultimately hate. In an instant I can hate myself and have a reason for it. because to me. im not worth a thing. where did i go wrong? where did i lose it all? wondering all these questions tonight really is draining. i wish someone cared enough to know what i feel. i wish someone really understood where i am & what i feel.

it's not easy.

bye.

Currently listening to: "When I Need You" by Celine Dion

Before you go I wanted to say...

Whoa!!! It's been a while since I've blogged. Gonna get back into the swing of things. For those of you who just stumbled across this, as you may have noticed this is something like my personal diary.

So recently I've been Jonas Brothers obsessed. I love their new album especially the song "Black Keys." It's AMAZING! If i can choose on song of their to be my favorite though it'll definitely be "Sorry" from their A Little Bit Longer album. The lyrics are awesome and it just has so much emotion that it's hard not to feel the emotions.

Nothing really has been going on I've just been working and stuff. School is approaching so I have to start preparing myself for papers, deadlines, exams, professors, and all that jazz. Sounds like fun right? :( Wish me luck

Peace.

Currently listening to: Sorry-Jonas Brothers

I Toss and Turn

For some reason I feel gloomy today. I feel depressed and alone. I always feel alone though, well sometimes.

If I had to pinpoint a reason why i feel this way I'd say that people underestimate my feelings for certain situations. For example, if something bad happens to me, and I make it seem like my world is falling apart, people would say "Oh yeah but it could be worse" or "I went through worse." It makes me think that people believe that I'm being idiotic or stupid for feeling hurt or "down." The only reason I make a big deal about it is because to me it really feels like the end of the world.

I guess I just have to live with people thinking that way.

ttfn.

Currently listening to: The Prayer-Kid Cudi

You Knocked Me Down

Friendship is supposed to be love, trust, and most of all honesty. Why is it that some people find it so hard to speak the truth? I understand that the truth is sometimes hard to face, if anyone knows anything about that it should be me! But why must someone create lies and make up these absurd scenarios for whatever reason it may be?

At this moment in my life I don't want to tolerate any liars. If I give my all to a relationship, any type of relationship, why can't the other person do the same? It's hurtful and it makes me want to give up on everything and everyone. It makes me want to forget about everyone and it makes me want to be alone. This way I won't have to deal with any one's bullshit. Why do I always have to test my friendships? Why is it that I can not have ONE functional friendship? Even when I think I have at least one true friend, it seems like I am alone and lost more than a person should be when they supposedly have friends.

I can't think straight right now. I feel completely abandoned for some reason and I feel betrayed. I'm a magnet for dysfunctional relationships--i have decided that now.

Au Revoir

Currently listening to: You're Not Sorry-Taylor Swift

Nada Duele Mas Que Estar Asi

I've been blind sighted for so long. What I thought was real was nothing but a facade. A good front that was put up and believed. One of my biggest fears is living a lie and I feel that that is exactly what has happened. I've been living in this lie believing something that wasn't really real. I can't say that I am completely shocked to figure this out, but I wish I would've been wrong. It would've been less hurtful and less humiliating. Cause all in all, that is what I feel, humiliated. I tried so hard to defend my feelings and to prove them to people. Now it turns out that those people were right all along. There's nothing else I can do but put my head down when I am told "I told you so."

Even though I learned so much from this experience, more than I thought I was going to, I wish it never would've happened cause now, I'm more lost than I ever was.

Salam.

Currently listening to: Where I Stood-Missy Higgins

All I needed was a call...

Lost and insecure. That's how I feel right now. Where do I fit in? Who am I really? What makes me stand out from everyone else? Do I even exist in this place we call society? Who do I want to be? What makes me want to be? Who really cares for me? Who will be there for me when I need to be taken to the hospital? Who will be my guide? Who will care enough to take time off from their own schedule to help me out? Who really loves me?

All of these a bunch of questions that I can't seem to find answers to. I'm left lost and insecure.

later...

Currently listening to: Digale-David Bisbal