I guess I wanted you more...

There are times when I can spend months and months without thinking about someone and in one instant all the memories just rush back to me...and i'm left heartbroken...or the umpteenth time.

Tonight, I was browsing on youtube like I normally do and stumbled upon a song by Lady Antebellum. The song is called "Wanted You More" and this song just explains all my feelings towards a certain person. A person that today is worth nothing to me but has meant the world to me at a certain point in my life.

Nothing hurts worst than trying to change a situation that you have no control over. When you try so hard to overlook the issues in a relationship and try to always make excuses for the issues going on. It's something that I have had to deal with a lot. I've been in two real relationships in my life and both of them have had some major issues. I've made excuses for the problems and for the things that I know should not have happened. Looking back I've tried to change myself and my thoughts to make it seem like I was living this fairy tale relationship. I've tried to keep up this facade that is not me. With both relationships I've had to deal with the idea that I wanted the relationship more than I wanted the person.

I'm sure that is probably the worst thing to say about them because I have cared deeply for them but I find that I was seeking more the company than the actual person. Why is it that I want so deeply to feel wanted? Why should I need someone to love me to feel complete? I want to be loved so badly.

I haven't cried in a long time and tonight I just look back on my relationships and I wanted them more. I wanted them to want me. I wanted them to love me. I wanted to be their all. I wanted to be the last person they thought about before they close their eyes at night and the first person they had in mind when they woke up.

All these tears are just coming out of me and I'm not sure what to do. Because I want that now too. I want to be wanted so badly. Just to know that someone out there is capable of seeing beyond my imperfections. The many imperfections.

Inside and out.

Currently listening to:

"Wanted You More" by Lady Antebellum